


when i'm gone

by lofikid (orphan_account)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Decisions, Canon Compliant, Canon Relationships, Canon Universe, Drabble, Flashbacks, Galaxy Garrison, M/M, Pre-Canon, Shiro (Voltron)-centric, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 09:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15385566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lofikid
Summary: Shiro is leaving for Kerberos. Adam has a hard time processing Shiro's decision.





	when i'm gone

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not the best, but it serves as my entryway to writing for this ship!! So excited for what season 7 has to offer <3

The act of leaving is so commonly spoken about, but what Takashi Shirogane needed right now was a song, a soliloquy, a sonnet, to describe the place before.

Shiro was leaving in three days, and the fear of dread before going on the Kerberos mission -- before leaving Adam -- was too much to bear. The tears hadn’t rolled off his face and blended into the sweat beading off of him just yet, but his heart was pounding and his throat felt heavy. He tried to steady his breath, but his heart was shaking thunderously.

While walking to his quarters at the Galaxy Garrison, Shiro thought about all of the things that had led up to his decision. There were only two people in his life that knew Shiro was chronically ill, with Adam and Keith being the only ones. Shiro lived for that thrilling sensation being all the way up in the air, and if he let anyone else know he was succumbing to his illness, they could threaten to ground him and make him stay on Earth. Instead of demonstrating his lessons in the field, he would be forced to stay a desk job. Two people were enough to play Devil’s Advocate anyways, with Keith so young needing a father-brother figure and Adam perpetually worried about Shiro’s safety.

What neither Keith nor Adam understood about Shiro’s situation was that Shiro desperately needed to go on that mission. He would never be able to explain the feeling of his first spacewalk, or the first time he flew a fighter jet. Shiro knew that Keith would understand once he started his flight classes. Shiro was a ticking time bomb, and there was only so much time he could spend being grounded on Earth before looking for his next fix.

 

When Shiro pushed open the door to Adam and his’ shared apartment, he saw Adam already hunched over at the breakfast table. “Hey.” Shiro croaked out, taking a seat beside Adam and leaning into his shoulder.

Adam wrapped his arm around Shiro. “Are you still going to go on the Kerberos mission?” He asked, as if it was still a topic up for debate.

Shiro had to tear his gaze away from the sterling silver band wrapped around Adam’s ring finger. “It’ll only be a year.” He replied, burying his face in the crook of Adam’s neck. He had already said his goodbyes and his protests to Keith, saving the heftiest argument for last. After tonight Shiro would begin his two day intensive training, in order for him to be in the perfect condition for the Kerberos mission.

“You’d rather spend a year on one of Pluto’s moons than with your  _ fiance _ ?” Adam insinuated, adding ice to every word he spoke. Adam was always the emotional one out of the two of them. While Shiro had a level head Adam was a matchstick of fire and fury. Maybe that was why they worked so well together, they evened each other out.

Shiro shook his head slowly. “I only have a few years left before I’m unable to go to space for good.” He said, eyes turning glassy.

“You don’t  _ need  _ to go.” Adam chastised.

Shiro took a deep breath and sighed. Adam would never understand, because he only did short month long space expeditions at the most. “I’ll be back right away. I just need to go to space… one last time.”

Adam tried to stay calm, but when they broke apart and their eyes matched each other’s, Adam started crying. “You’re putting your job before your boyfriend, Takashi!” He exclaimed, another wracking sob enveloping him. “What if you come back and your condition is worse? What if when you come back we’re out of time? What if you  _ don’t  _ come back at all?” He asked frantically, mind spooling out of control.

Shiro clucked his tongue but felt the tips of his cheeks burning up. This was an argument he would never win, a back and forth debate. Shiro wrapped his arms around Adam, as his own tears fell with terrifying sadness carrying his soul afloat. He muttered soothing things to Adam, but Adam only muttered one thing.

“I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Takashi. I don’t want to be the one left behind, waiting for your return if you even do return.” He took off the engagement ring, as Shiro looked at it quietly. In Adam’s mind, he believed that Shiro wouldn’t go if it meant losing Adam. “I love you, Shiro. I love you so, so, much.”

Shiro started crying more, choked up sobs making ugly noises. “I love you too, Adam.”

“How important am I to you, Takashi?” Adam asked, and at that moment Shiro knew he loved no one more than Adam. They had walked side by side in the Garrison, they had gone through prejudice and discrimination, and yet they still loved each other after all this time. Adam was holding onto the only person he loved, and he wanted to be with the man he loved in Shiro’s final years.

Shiro knew what was happening, but he never saw it as mean or impulsive. Shiro saw Adam’s actions for what they were. Pure desperation and pure, unobstructed, love. He wanted to stay with Adam, but he knew that he would be participating in something bigger than him by going on this mission. 

“I’m sorry.” Shiro croaked out. He could feel his heart breaking and shattering into a million tiny pieces, like grains of sand slipping from his grasp.

 

From that day on, Shiro decided to throw himself into training with a vengeance. He had already made his decision to put the mission above all others, no matter the cost. He spent the last two days leading up to the mission doing everything to sharpen his mind. This was the price he had to pay in order to go into space. Shiro knew that a year later he would never even have a chance at being cleared to fly. This was his only chance. One year later Adam would still be there, and even if they had called off the engagement Shiro was willing to try. His health was the only thing he couldn’t control, and flying off into space was the last thing he wanted to do before he kicked the bucket.

On average, his life expectancy was five to ten years lower than the average person’s, but his condition was worsening and Shiro didn’t know how much time he had left. If Shiro wanted to go to space for the last mission ever, he wouldn’t waste it on a month long moon expedition. Shiro intentionally hand picked the riskiest, longest, mission ever, because the longer the mission was the longer he was in space.

After throwing himself into the final days of training with a persistence, Shiro was suiting up to enter his ship and be waved off on the explorer’s farewell. In that moment, Shiro felt awfully alone. He was seeing the side that Adam was on, and he felt undeniably guilty. Shiro was a victim of having impossibly thick tunnel vision. Adam wanted Shiro to tell him things that weren’t true, and both of them were figuring it out now.

Shiro was on a podium outside his looming ship. He felt it, the beginning of the end. Across the vast stage stood Adam. Shiro just wanted one last touch of glory, one last moment to prove to himself that he was still the same Shiro he always was.

As Shiro entered the ship, he felt compelled to tell Adam something but he found himself with nothing to say. There was nothing left to say, Shiro had been gone long before now.

They were soon to be strangers on opposite ends of the universe, and there were never enough words to explain that kind of sadistic sort of pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this, and give a comment if you enjoyed!  
> Feel free to follow me on Tumblr at spacelaith :)


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